Sometimes I wonder if sharing my wilder adventures with you is a good idea.
Will you understand?
Will you still trust me?
Then something much deeper comes from within and says:
What the hell. Life is short.
Be what you are.
And do what it takes to unleash your magnificence on the world.
So I came to this Ayurvedic center in South India, because while I was creating and working in New York, there was always this low-level vibration of pain.
If I felt into it, tears would flow and I could recognize it as sadness. But, as I moved about the world busying myself with business and life it showed up more as a heavy tiredness.
I put it on the back burner, promising myself that as soon as I could I’d get the support and attention to really deal with it.
Thus, right after my course launch, my boyfriend and I were off to India: he in the hopes of curing a long-term digestive issue, I in the hopes of finally vanquishing the sadness/tiredness once and for all.
As it turned out, our Ayurvedic doctor came from a long line of South Indian Tantric practitioners (but more on that wonderful encounter later…)
We settled into our detox, feeling largely grumpy and tired amongst the swampy rice fields of Kerala.
A few days into the process, during a session in which liquid herbs were being pumped into places that I suspected liquid herbs might not belong, I zeroed in on my small intestines.
They had always hurt, for as long as I could remember, as tender soreness when I pressed anywhere around the ring of my belly button. Something inside me knew, that no matter how emotionally integrated I became, no matter how personally loving and powerful, I would never fully integrate the trauma from my past until this soreness was gone.
(Warning: the rest of this story may contain triggers. If you trigger easily I’d recommend reading it only if you are in a safe place)
…I knew that it was related to very early childhood sexual abuse and something in there still paid homage to that event in ways that the current me could not understand.
I don’t like telling you about this, or writing about it. I’d rather keep it quiet, in the past, and focus on bigger, brighter things for now. But I know how many billions, yes, billions of women have experienced sexual trauma. Sexual trauma comes in many forms: everything from outright abuse and rape, to persistent and long-term degradation of your sexual self-worth as a woman.
And while surviving cancer, or a car crash, or bankruptcy can easily become a hero’s story, a mark of a brave and brilliant soul, I still feel that surviving sexual trauma has a taint to it. It doesn’t always feel like a heroine’s, or a super woman’s, or a Goddesses journey. It often feels like, “Why’d you have to go and drag that sad and beaten cat out of the bag? Put it back as quickly as possible so we can get on with the cheerful stuff.”
But I’m here to say that it is a heroine’s journey because anyone who’s lived through that kind of specific hell and woken up to a sunrise and decided to dance and love and risk it all again anyways, deserves to feel pride in that accomplishment.
So, I decided to kick out that residue of past trauma and inhabit my small intestines.
That probably sounds weird, so let me back it up with some Yogic, Taoist and allopathic medical perspectives.
• Svadhistana, the second chakra, hanging out right in this area, translates to “the home of the soul.”
• Manipura, right above it, translates to “the city of jewels.”
• As for Taoism, in Chinese Medicine, the small intestines is connected to the heart.
• In Western medicine, the small intestines absorb the nutrients of your food, making it available for the nourishment of your body.
What is sexual trauma, if not a chasing of the soul from her rightful home, a loss of the ability to embrace your jewels of self and life? What is sexual abuse if not a wrecked heart and an inability to thrive by taking sustenance from your environment?
Sexual trauma is highly correlated with digestive upsets, food sensitivities and health problems of the digestive tract.
Something told me that if I came home to my small intestines, I’d come home to a long-forgotten and essential part of myself.
Something told me that if I made peace with this part of my body, my soul really would stop hanging out three inches above my body, or in my head and….well…come home.
So as weird as it sounded (“embracing your small intestines” just doesn’t have the same romantic ring to it as “opening your heart”), I went for it.
I kept the small intestines in my awareness, as a resting place for my attention and breath as I went about my day. At first it was pleasurable, even lovely, and then all hell broke loose.
Several things all happened at once to force the issue. The doctor stopped by to do a Tantric mantra cleansing of my body. He spent 35 days in total darkness drinking only milk and reciting hundreds of thousands of mantras and out of the goodness of his heart, decided to help support me with the power of his sound.
A woman from my course that I spoke to on the phone was going through almost the exact same struggles with her small intestines and we made a pact to spend three days re-claiming the area.
Finally, I watched a T.V. series episode from New Zealand that featured a story of father-daughter incest, and before I knew it, I had descended into a trauma state.
Shaking, crying and in a wordless experience of absolute terror, I felt a part of myself that I contact rarely, and yet, feels nearly older than any other part of my psyche. I coughed and gagged, nearly throwing up several times as the experience swept over me. In this state, I cannot be touched.
I haven’t felt this kind of experience in a long time. Usually, in the happy, successful times in my life, I wonder what the big deal was anyways. Then when it all comes crashing back in, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that the vast majority of my un-ease in life stems from this very thing.
My boyfriend was there, watching me as I came undone before him.
It’s as if a different part of my brain switches on, and “Layla” as I know her switches off.
I sobbed my guts out. Literally, my whole stomach area was trembling as I cried.
A sensitivity of connection opened up again as the experience subsided, and I curled up into my boyfriend's arms.
There is a happy turn to this story, however. Because of the years of dedication to therapy and self-love, this time was much, much different. I didn’t have the old feelings of disgust and shame around myself for feeling this. I could feel the state in it’s purity without a lot of horrible judgements making it even harder.
I did pick a fight with my boyfriend a little later to push him away, but I didn’t lash out with angry, horrible accusations as I once did, way more often than I would like to admit. In short, it was still a difficult state to be in, but I didn’t have to blow up my life around me because of it.
Finally, I felt in a place of power. I already had a therapy session booked with a sexual abuse therapist that evening. I had money in the bank, people who loved me and a life that I cared about. One of the most insidious things about sexual abuse is that it likes to thrive in a strangled, controlling silence, or a dramatic chaotic mess. Sometimes, both at once. Sexual trauma loves poverty. Often times, having no money and no real life structure allows it to thrive. Or an eating disorder and debilitating insecurities. One of the biggest ways I overcame the effect of sexual trauma was to build a life support around me that allowed me to thrive.
What I want to say to you after all of this, is that I was reminded of how important trauma integration is. So many of us women have been through it, and it still isn’t discussed nearly as often as it should be. I feel it is a dis-ease that operates in our bodies often undetected and undiagnosed.
I’d like to share with you seven ways of understanding sexual trauma that have revolutionized the way I’ve addressed it in my life.
You can use them for yourself, and to support and understand so many of the women around you.
1. Traumatic events actually create a “dark” area of the brain
What that means is that when something immense and overwhelming happens to you, the brain will often store the information and memories in a separate part of the brain that is largely disconnected from your conscious personality and thoughts. If you get triggered, it can often feel like a different person who is saying and doing things in that state. In a way, it is a whole different part of yourself that is indeed disconnected from your everyday personality. It’s good to remember this when you get triggered or are dealing with someone who can say and do things that feel totally out of character, and in this state, it’s best to focus on love. Sometimes even abusive or destructive behavior can arise in this state: stay committed to minimizing it and not harming others, but have immense compassion and love for yourself or the person going through it. It’s a tough state to be in.
2. Understand your trauma brain mechanics
While the conscious/thinking parts of your brain are disconnected from the traumatized part, often times the amygdala, which is related to fear and the flight or fight response will be connected. That means if you get triggered or afraid, you can suddenly jump into your trauma pattern without warning. This is why relationships can be so challenging. When you’re by yourself, that system often won’t get triggered, but being in relationships pushes those buttons a lot. If you’ve experienced trauma or your partner has, this can make relationships very, very challenging. Understanding this mechanism can help you understand why.
3. The traumatized area may be disconnected, but it takes energy and effort to keep it going
Traumatized individuals are often lethargic, disconnected and depressed. Be gentle with yourself if you are going through this. There isn’t anything wrong with you, it just means that a lot of your energy is going to the trauma pattern.
4. The healing process is all about connection
At the level of your brain, it’s about the innervation and connection between the brain hemispheres. At the level of your body, it’s all about the connection of your mind and all the different parts of your body (hello, small intestines!). At the level of your sexuality it’s about connecting with your passion, desire, worth and beauty. In community, the healing happens in being supported and loved by your friends and romantic partners, even through this difficult process. So, when you get triggered into a trauma state, do your best to recognize that’s what has happened. Take time to breathe and be with yourself, recognizing that it isn’t the best time to deal with important things with other people. Don’t push yourself to connect or be touched, but do wait until you feel even a little bit of desire for this and then reach out to loved ones for support and communication. And keep connecting to yourself: breathe, feel deeply, and even talk to yourself. All of that helps you build the important inner connections.
5. The trauma can feel super strong – that’s because it is
It’s like your brain stored away everything you couldn’t handle for a later date. But it isn’t the strongest thing. Your soul, your essence, your truth, whatever you want to call it is actually stronger. What you have to do is focus on strengthening your connection to your soul: do the things you love and are passionate about, even if you don’t want to. And then strengthen the connection between your soul and the trauma, because your soul’s got all the love you could ever need.
6. This is a process
It’s a process of getting yourself into a state where you can feel the trauma (that’s why breath work, EFT, yoga and sexual healing can be effective to sensitize you) and then it’s a process of getting connected. That means talking about it, sharing it and setting up your life to support you in dealing with it. For me, regular therapy, spiritual practice and other ways of connecting are super important. If I just pretend it isn’t there, it actually ends up controlling my life. If I deal with it like a wound that needs to be cared for, then I clean it every day. That process will create long-term healing and integration.
7. Understand there is no strict protocol that works
There are some scientifically proven methods to help alleviate PTSD and trauma like EMDR and exposure therapy, but believe me, nothing has worked for everyone. Trauma integration is a life process. Feel intuitively, or get guidance on what the next step for you is. What I need to do now looks totally different from what I was doing four years ago or even a month ago. It’s a changing process. However, when I stick to a new way of getting connected and tuned-in and turned-on with myself, I always feel better. That means different practices, different approaches, different teachers and different places in my body to address. The upside of all of this? A whole ton of compassion, connection, wisdom and heart. I wish the very same for you and your loved ones.
Now: Head on down to the comments section below and let me know… What was your wake-up moment while reading this week’s post? What touched you the most?
I’ll be there to read all of your wonderful comments.
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