How to know if someone is your soulmate

Sandra, one of my Sex, Love & Relationship Coaching 2017 graduates, asked me last week at my Mexico retreat in a sort of dreamy, hopeful voice:

“Did you know right away that Andrew was your soulmate?”

I almost busted out laughing and had to tell her the real truth:

“Not only was I not sure back when we met that he was my soulmate, but I actually felt like there was no way we had any future together….”

I’m honestly still not sure all the time that he’s my soulmate. In fact, I just got off the phone with my relationship coach where I was like, “Uggggghhh, this CAN’T be what love feels like?!? CAN IT!?!”

Now, let me back up for a second and say that if you look on the outside, Andrew and I have an incredible relationship:

• We are still deeply sexually attracted to each other.
• Our love grows more powerful and intense the longer we are together.
• Since we got together, we’ve both grown leaps and bounds into our highest and most authentic expression of ourselves.
• Oh, and we built this whole little blog/change-the-world/heal-the-planet project together….

And if you see us from the outside, you’d probably imagine that it feels all dreamy-lovey-perfect-romancy inside.

Let me tell you: it does not feel that way, haha.

Actually, that’s not totally true.

It feels all dreamy-lovey-perfect-romancy about 2% of the time on a good day.

But it also feels a lot like:

• Oh, God, I can’t believe I’m with this outrageously wrong person for me.
• Gee, I think that surfer dude/successful entrepreneur/comedian would be a WAY better choice for me right now.
• I HATE YOU.
• How did I end up with such a loser when I am so clearly the most AMAZING and PERFECT human on the planet!
• Oh God, how did I end up with the most AMAZING and PERFECT human on the planet when I am such an enormous loser. 

And many, many other feelings.

As my relationship coach Annie Lalla says: “True Love is not just the experience of the white light of love. It’s a rainbow, where true love includes every possible emotion, experience and desire.”

Now, let me tell you, that might sound like fun and it’s definitely not boring…

But if you were hoping for a fairytale romance (like we were all taught is the natural thing that happens when you are with your soulmate) then this rainbow experience of love feels WRONG.

You search and you search for the white light….

The princely dude who saves you by seeing you deeper than you could ever see yourself and makes all your dreams come true with incredibly romantic daily gestures…

Or the queen who is a constant sex-goddess, but also endlessly compassionate and loving and always creates peace and happiness in your life.

If you’re waiting for that and you get someone that makes you want to tear your hair out, run for the hills and cry sometimes, you will be extremely confused.

In fact, you will probably judge them and leave or sabotage the whole thing until they leave you.

This is the heart of why humans have such a hard time right now creating lasting, meaningful, and deep relationships that are also sexually alive and passionate….

Everything we have been taught about relationships is. so. wrong.

And those wrong teachings have real-world results: divorce, cheating, numbness, or an inability to commit in the first place.

We think it’s all rainbows and butterflies and we miss the soulmate standing in front of us.

Andrew is my soulmate…not because of how he makes me feel but because our love together has turned me into the woman I truly am and have always desired to be.

And his love can be fierce, it can be annoying, it can show up in ways that don’t feel like love to me.

And I am my boyfriend's soulmate because our love has turned him into the man he truly is and has always desired to be.

Sometimes that process has felt SO magical it brings tears to my eyes.

Sometimes it’s like pulling teeth.

And no, I don’t always recognize it for what it is because when shit gets hard, sometimes I’ll start fantasizing about Brad Pitt circa 1992 and how we would do something so amazing right now where my boyfriend is clearly doing the wrong thing.

Sometimes I’ll go back to my cultural brainwashing that says my soulmate is supposed to always feel good and I’ll miss the current lesson my soulmate is offering me.

This is the point: if you don’t know what true love really feels like, you can miss your soulmate altogether and spend a lifetime chasing fairytales.

Want to know how to know if someone is your soulmate? Check out today’s video below:

I’m passionate about there being more love on the planet, and this is a really important key for having more truly loving relationships.

I’m going to keep writing to you about this and making videos about this because it’s a whole process of re-understanding and re-imagining what love between two people actually is.

It’s a cataclysmic force for your growth and evolution, not a dream that feels exactly like you want it to….

As a final note, I also want to add that your soulmate will be ultimately supportive of your growth and your path will be rooted in love, even if sometimes it feels like they are sabotaging your growth in the short term or you both forget your love momentarily.

For a soulmate relationship to work, you both have to ultimately honor and respect one another and show up for the hard work.

But the hard work won’t pay off and you’ll never turn into the person you are meant to be through alchemical love if the person you are with is violent, truly destructive or making you so unsafe that you can’t grow in the ways that you need.

I’m saying that because you aren’t looking for a fairytale, but you also need to be grounded in an experience that is healthy enough and safe enough for real transformation to happen (even if sometimes you scream at each other with snot running down your face….

Here is to more love!!!

Love,
Layla

P.S. You can check out my dear friend (and relationship genius) Annie Lalla’s work here.