If you asked most sex educators if it’s okay to use sexual fantasies, they’d say: YES!!!
It’s been a rallying cry for a long time in sex-positive education to support sexual fantasies.
And I agree with this in that I sexually fantasize when I’m solo and it can be super HOT to fantasize.
However, there are two dimensions of sexual fantasies that NO ONE ever talks about.
The first is: when you are sexually turned on, you’re actually more powerful and you’re connected to your whole body. So whatever you think or feel in that moment imprints on your psyche.
We don’t often think about the impact of our sexual fantasies. How do they make us feel inside? Is it something we actually want to happen in real life? Are we programming ourselves at the deepest levels with pornography and visions of things that we don’t actually desire?
The second is: we often don’t consider the impact on our partner.
Now, I used to only be able to orgasm with Andrew (in the early years) if I fantasized about someone else, so I am not here to judge you.
But, let’s think of how rude I was being.
It’s like, you’re out at the sexiest dinner ever with your partner and the two of you are having the most intimate conversation, but… you’re thinking about some other person?!?
Oh, noooooooooo.
What does that do to your connection?
What does that do to your intimacy?
We often close our eyes and think of someone else when we’re with our partners in bed, and you know what that does? It destroys the intimacy.
Now, you know I’m not about making you feel ashamed.
I’ve fantasized about things that don’t make me feel good and that I don’t desire.
I’ve checked out with Andrew before.
A lot of people have sexual fantasies that they don’t feel good about, and that’s okay. There is nothing wrong with you if you do that.
But let’s have a real conversation about the impact that fantasies can have mentally and emotionally on your life.
And most people sexually fantasize about another person when they are with their partner.
Again: nothing wrong with you if you do that, but what’s the impact on your relationship?
Who are you missing out on when you’re thinking about someone else?
You’re missing out on the magical, magnificent person in front of you, right there in bed with you.
Do you want to live your sex life being absent and disconnected from the person you love, or would you rather look them in the eyes and be present?
These are questions worth asking, and I don’t think we ask ourselves enough.
If you want to know if your fantasies are serving you or your relationship…
Check out the 3 ways to tell in today’s video below.
Love,
Layla
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