I’ve been carrying a kind of relationship shame around with me…
You know, the kind where you haven’t had sex in a while and then acted like an absolute child towards your partner…and you wonder if you should probably have just set all that money you spent on personal development workshops and coaching on fire because it obviously didn’t do a damn thing…and you start thinking about posting a perfect photo of the two of you on Instagram watching a sunset with #lovehim and #luckygirl and #blessed on it just to run from your own pain for a few seconds?
Oh wait, that’s just me?!?
Anyways, I’ve been in the mood to really reveal all those things about my relationship that I feel ashamed of because if I stand for anything it’s shamelessness – and sharing in a safe space is the antidote to shame –
…and good lord there’s no cage like the cage of trying to act perfect when you’re not, you know what I’m saying? It feels like suffocating in a cage.
So when we were on set filming the most recent YouTube series, I said to Andrew, “Let’s make a video and talk about all the horrible things we still do to each other as a couple.”
Andrew: “What horrible things?”
Me: “You know, like being defensive AND aggressive? Screaming so loud at each other we’re scared for the neighbors? Shaming each other casually? Like that!”
Andrew: “Oh. Ok. Really Layla?”
Me: “Well, if we do it and we have all these tools, I’m sure other people must do it and probably feel bad about it just like us! So let’s talk about it.”
And so we did.
You can watch it below.
Also, we would both like to say that we are generally loving, decent people to each other who have worked super hard to bring respect, safety, unconditional love, and shamelessness into our relationship.
And, we’re human, so in that process we have also, at times, brought disrespect, lack of safety, highly conditional love, and unfortunately – shame – into our precious relationship.
Ugggggggg.
And, I do want to say for those of you that have been in truly toxic or violent relationships – I would never condone abuse and I don’t mean to make any kind of abuse feel okay in any relationship ever. Andrew and I have a fundamental respect and care for one another and we fuck up sometimes – that’s what I’m talking about here. If you are with a partner who is deeply toxic or violent, I support you fully in bringing full attention to your relationship and getting support – not ignoring or minimizing it.
We all deserve to be in a relationship where our partners will work in good faith to create an exceptional and safe space for us, but no one is perfect.
I hope you enjoy this real, raw, and honest vlog as much as the perfect couple picture on Instagram.
If you’re currently in a long-term relationship, let me know in the comments below what horrible things you STILL do to each other as a couple. Let’s all get honest together to support all the couples out there!!
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