The following story is **mostly true** as I’ve scrambled names, attributes, and experiences in order to keep total privacy for everyone involved.
But the teachings…and the feelings…are real.
(Also, it’s actually more than two men…so you REALLY can’t tell any identities…and…who’s counting anyways? ;))
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“I knew how deep our love would be the first time I ever spoke with you on the phone,” he said.
Complex…eyes as deep as the Rings of Saturn…moody AF…
Oh, and with my favorite look…tall, dark ringlets, crystal blue eyes with mischief dancing in them.
“I’m not sure yet,” he said, “if I’m ready for real love.”
“You might be too much for me…and I’ve been through a lot.”
Let’s call him HERO, and he’s a Master of the Universe in Hollywood.
You would know who he is, people on the internet care about the details of his life.
He has manservants and a helicopter at his LA compound.
He took me on the most elegant of dates…eye-gazing on the Eiffel Tower…swimming off a private yacht in the Bahamas.
He’s spiritual and can literally feel energy.
But most of the time, he’s distant.
And most of the time, I’m trying to win his approval.
He’s a beautiful, soulful, magical man.
But his pain makes it so that most of the time, his heart is just out of reach.
But every once in a while, my god, when we connect…it’s like winning the Cosmic Jackpot of Erotic Ecstasy and it just rains and rains magic…
So I mastermind how to get to those moments between us…the moments where he opens his heart and the sun shines down upon us…
But most of the time I’m silently struggling when we’re together.
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And then there’s Man #2, let’s call him ODIN.
Some of my very best friends set me up with ODIN on a date.
From the very beginning, he’s attentive to the smallest of details.
I’m celiac?
Everything is ordered without gluten.
I don’t do cow milk?
The waiter already knew when I arrived.
ODIN is different from who I usually go for…
He’s not from the US…
He looks like he was born of distant royalty and smuggled into 2022 from a time with more manners and dignity.
He is hilarious.
I actually spit water on him accidentally as I snort-laugh through tears of our shared comedy.
I have no shame with him because he accepts himself (and me) so deeply.
His heart is open…he is ready for love…I can feel it.
There isn’t some future promise…he’s here with me, now.
He’s also spiritual AF.
Like, he didn’t start dabbling a few years ago.
He’s been COMMITTED. For decades. Like me.
And at some point on the date, I find myself proverbially kicking myself…slapping myself in the face because I am HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME but…
I’m also THINKING ABOUT HERO.
FML.
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And so here comes Lesson #1….
Men who pay out every once in a while are addictive AF.
They’ve done studies on casino games…the ones that pay out steadily over time are far, far less addictive than the ones where you usually lose…but when you win, you win BIG.
Playing for a jackpot is way more appealing to the nervous system than doing automatic bank deposits on your bi-weekly paycheck…you know what I mean?
So, any kind of man who gives a lot every once in a while…and not that much the rest of the time…is going to hook your nervous system more easily…than someone who is there consistently.
Someone who is consistent is still lovely, the way a field of blooming wildflowers is lovely.
But no one gets addicted to wildflower fields, do they?
Jackpot men are like piles of drugs.
Open-hearted men are like wildflower fields.
It’s an important distinction to make.
Both are fun.
One might be the time of your life or end up killing you.
The other one is just going to fill you up from the inside out.
The question is; what kind of game do you feel like playing?
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The Summer moves on…HERO sporadically shows up and invites me on dates.
He also cancels frequently at the last minute.
ODIN never breaks his word to me. Not even about small things.
HERO is also really, really curious about Tantra.
He wants to learn more.
But he’s also scared…deep eye-gazing makes him uncomfortable.
ODIN has been studying Tantra since he was 24.
He went to Asia early. We’re both devotees. I taught myself to read and write Sanskrit. So did he.
ODIN gets closer and closer to me…he processes things like a champion…treats me with love and dignity…
And also, takes me to the height of Tantric ecstasy.
HERO shows up every once in a while and takes me to Fiji.
Sex with him is FANTASTIC.
It’s seductive.
It’s hot.
But ODIN…well…there’s just no substitute for someone who’s been doing the work for decades.
Now, it might seem obvious to you who is a better match.
It’s obvious to me.
But who did I want?
Who did I dream of?
Who was I magnetized to?
HERO.
Yeah, hope is sexier than reality.
So I hung out, waiting for more crumbs, hoping they’d turn into a buffet.
ODIN just fed me, no hope required.
And I wanted to shake myself.
Throw ice water in my own face.
WHAT IN GOD’S NAME WAS WRONG WITH ME?
ODIN was meeting me – like I’d always wanted.
He was showing up – spiritually – emotionally – and sexually.
Isn’t that what I really wanted?
HERO would promise to text and then would have some excellent excuse about why he just couldn’t.
ODIN sent me my favorite flowers for no reason.
So, I studied carefully the emotional signature and impact each one had on me.
With HERO, I often felt sad, let down, abandoned, and unchosen…
But also…every once in a while…SO HOPEFUL.
Out of nowhere I’d get this fabulous connection and love and attention.
That’s the exact emotional signature of my childhood.
That’s how I felt growing up.
HERO felt so damn attractive to me because he felt “normal” to my nervous system.
Also, if only I could teach him, heal him, win his approval…I’d finally get the love (from him) that felt like parental love…just like if I could teach my parents, heal them, win their approval, maybe they’d finally love me the way I’d always craved.
We know it doesn’t work…but we want it anyway.
I mean, I’d text HERO and have a straight panic attack…
How charmingly familiar…
How compelling.
ODIN just loved me.
He often asked me how he could show up in support of my energy since I give so much.
He fit me…the adult me…like a glove.
But the inner child in me kept getting hooked on a dream.
Around ODIN I felt loved, cherished, adored, and attended to.
I felt safe and calm.
I felt energized – yet peaceful.
My inner child is like “WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS FEELING? WE CAN’T HAVE THIS GOODNESS AND LOVE AND JOY AND PEACE…”
And just like a mouthful of peas, she’d try to spit it out.
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Lesson #2; the feeling signature of childhood will be one of the most seductive, if not the MOST seductive feeling of your life.
If you had a happy childhood of safety and honor; bless you.
Someone’s gonna come along and make you feel safe and honored and YOU’LL FEEL AMAZING AND ATTRACTED AND ENTHRALLED AND TURNED ON.
If you had a sad childhood of fear and panic attacks…
Someone’s gonna come along and make you feel sad and fearful and panicked and YOU’LL FEEL AMAZING AND ATTRACTED AND ENTHRALLED AND TURNED ON.
So, is there any hope for those of us who didn’t win the childhood jackpot?
Do we just end up sad and hooked on people who bring out that familiar childhood pain?
NOPE.
Here is Lesson #3; you can change your pattern in a relationship, but you have to rely on your deep soul’s truth and NOT your feelings.
If you’ve always dated narcissists, cheaters, “on-the-fencers,” emotionally unavailable people, or WHATEVER the pattern is…
And you want a new pattern…a new choice…a new reality…a new relationship…
The choice for your new reality is going to feel like this:
You spent a lifetime eating fast food and ice cream, and now it’s time for your first spinach salad.
How much are you going to want spinach salad?
On a primal, nervous system level…NOT AT ALL.
Gross.
But…on a soul truth level?
You better believe your soul knows that spinach is good for you.
It’s the right choice.
It might not FEEL great in the moment…but you know it’s what you ACTUALLY WANT over time.
Does that doom you to eat spinach salad miserably for the rest of your life?
No, it just means that, in the beginning, before your tastes change, you’re gonna have to make a conscious choice to eat some goddamn salad.
You know fried chicken and ice cream is bad for you.
You know it tastes good in the moment and then feels bad later.
You know how seductive it is.
Spinach salad doesn’t seduce you…but it does set you up to thrive in every area of your life.
I started to notice how ODIN was like that.
Now I don’t mean he was boring AF.
Nope, he blew me through the roof with his spirituality and his sexuality and his emotional intelligence.
ODIN ACTUALLY MET ME.
HE DID THE THING I’VE ALWAYS SAID I WANTED, BY TREATING ME AMAZING AND MEETING ME ON MY LEVEL.
I just didn’t obsess over his text messages.
I didn’t crave him with a next-level addiction.
I was happy to see him.
It was simple and felt good.
Like, you know, spinach salad.
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As the Summer got hotter…it was time to choose.
HERO or ODIN?
Ice cream or spinach salad?
ODIN kept doing the most amazing, beautiful, life-affirming things.
I fell more in love with myself around him.
I felt like the woman I was born to be.
Around HERO, I was usually focused on him.
Solving his problem, listening to his issues.
I certainly wasn’t thriving in a multi-colored rainbow display of magic.
Or at least, only when I hit the goddamn jackpot.
As I leaned into the choice…and kept wanting HERO…I started to judge myself.
What was wrong with me?
WHY DID I WANT SOMETHING THAT WAS GIVING ME CRUMBS?
Because somehow, somewhere, I was just sure those crumbs were a trail leading to the most magnificent buffet.
RIGHT, ISN’T THAT HOW IT WORKS?!?
But I’m not an idiot.
So I chose ODIN.
With my whole heart.
With a soul level truth.
With all the wisdom I could muster.
With the power of reason.
Because, one day, the feelings fall away and all you have left is what’s real.
Not hope, not promises, not an imaginary buffet…but a real person.
And then I took a deep gulp and wanted to run for the hills.
For a moment I made myself really, really wrong for even wanting HERO.
Then I realized how I was missing the point.
As a woman, I’ve been heavily conditioned to make the “right choice.”
Marry the “right man.”
Why?
Because back in the day, my whole life depended on who I married.
Best not pick badly.
And while that choice – who you make a life with – who your partner ends up being – is still the most important choice you’ll ever make…
I’m so much more than a husband chooser.
I’ve got a dynamic life full of magic.
And if I want to take a ride with a tall-dark-and handsome dreamboat who loves me so but just isn’t ready yet…
SO WHAT?
What woman doesn’t want that adventure?
Can’t we allow ourselves the wild carpet rides that men have afforded themselves since the beginning of time?
Can’t we choose, like adults, our own damn destiny?
We have all kinds of soulmates…and some of them are just meant to take you on the hottest dates.
Why make yourself wrong for wanting that?
And you know the real existential truth?
HERO just has trauma and pain from his past.
His childhood is haunting him like a hungry ghost and making him miss out on the love that’s right in front of him.
I’ve been HERO before.
I’ve been guarded because of my trauma and unable to fully love.
And my partners chose me through that.
In my deepest compassion, I want so much healing for him.
BUT; I also can’t change him.
Also, one woman’s fried chicken is another woman’s spinach salad.
You know it’s true.
So…who is the better choice?
Only the dark silent truth of my heart really knows.
No one really has the answers for your life.
You have to make it all up and do the best you can with the wisdom you’ve got.
Who knows…maybe my choice, my conscious choice…is to pick some karmic destiny with all my childhood pain patterns and WORK IT OUT.
Maybe I’m drawn to HERO for a damn good reason.
I’m the one who wakes up next to him every day of my life…so if I want one hell of a challenge on my way to love…WHO CAN JUDGE ME?
We’ve judged ourselves as women for long enough.
I say – to hell with that – I say, be wise and choose consciously with your eyes wide open… IT’S YOUR LIFE, DO WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT WITH IT.
AND…
If you want to be treated like gold…?
Someone who loves you to the ends of the Earth and tells you the truth and can go to the edges of intimacy?
If you want someone who has done the work, so they can meet you with a wildflower field of open heartedness?
Well…best to pick that one from a deep inner knowing rather than feelings.
Feelings aren’t the best compass when it comes to telling us who is actually good for us…
Deep truth is.
Truth, unlike addiction, takes longer.
It unfolds slowly, like a wildflower.
It doesn’t weigh on you like an urgent craving.
It calls you forward, one step at a time, into your greatness and alignment.
And truth is generally far more terrifying than delusion.
Delusion is seductive.
Truth will scare the s**t out of you.
And that brings me to our final lesson. Lesson #5: You can eat fried chicken or ice cream or spinach or ALL THREE. It’s your goddamn life and no one knows what to do with it except you.
Just know that sometimes, just sometimes…the ones who razzle and dazzle and light fireworks in your system aren’t always the ones who tuck you into bed at night with a loving, magical orgasm.
You know what I learned to love this summer?
Man spinach salad.
It doesn’t look that great at first, just sitting there.
But you know what you can do really well after a spinach salad?
Orgasm.
Run through nature.
Recite ecstatic poetry.
Make something beautiful.
You know what I do after fried chicken and ice cream?
I go to sleep.
In way more ways than one.
Here’s to eating whatever you like.
And learning to like what’s good for you.
And choosing the truth from the depth of your heart.
With no judgment.
One fabulous step at at time.
Love,
Layla
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